British Officials Bust Man Davening B'Yichidus
LONDON, ENGLAND — [TheKnish.com] British Airways flight one-twenty-one was forced to make an emergency landing when police received several calls after takeoff about a man racing briskly toward the back of the plane and mumbling to himself. All of those cell phones going on at once interfered with the controls and the plane almost crashed.
Officials were on the scene shortly after Hatzalah promptly pointed them in the direction of the plane. Once on board, they made their way to the cargo hold, where they found a man davening shacharis in his tefillin, which he was not allowed to carry on board.
“Nu? Uh! Uh? Nu!” said the man, who was later identified by his wife as Shmerel Goodchap. Shmerel had been stuck on line at the security checkpoint since August 10th, when airport security started going through everyone’s carry-on bags with a fine-toothed comb and a car crusher. His wife went on to say that he was overexcited to finally get on the plane and catch up on all of those tefillos. “I think he’s up to Shacharis of the Thirteenth,” she said, as her husband “Nu-uh”ed, and pointed at the Yom.
British airline officials began their X-Treme Security Onslaught on the Tenth, when MI5 got a tip that certain Arab terrorists were going to try something dangerous and stupid on flights out of England. They received this tip late in the game, as the official on the case spent days being chased around the Sahara, parachuting jet skis out of helicopters, and sipping dry martinis. But thankfully, the terrorist leader explained the entire plan to the official after tying him to a bomb with a big red countdown display helpfully mounted to its side, and the agent was able to distract the leader and get back to England on a goat.
The plan, as it turns out, was to have groups of two or three terrorists board each plane carrying some kind of liquid or gel which, when combined with the liquid (or gel) of another agent in the airplane bathroom in mid-flight, would cause a major explosion, and everyone who lined up to impatiently bang on the door of the bathroom would be extremely sorry. This would prove, if nothing else, that the terrorists have been watching way too many Die Hard movies. Their original plan was to release snakes, but that was changed when one of the terrorists went online and found about 800 websites that suggested that the general public already knew about it.
Officials eventually decided to leave Shmerel alone, but on the way out of the plane they busted two Arabs unawares in the airplane bathroom. The terrorists, Adon Needajab and Amon Hud, had decided to go through with the plan on what they were able to get their hands on once they were on the plane -- namely, a dozen tubes of toothpaste and several hundred mayonnaise packets. Their plan was to combine the vinegar in the mayonnaise with the baking soda in the toothpaste to make a mini volcano in the toilet. Officials were alerted to their actions when they noticed the bubbles coming out from under the door.
But despite facing almost certain death, many continued to complain about the fact that they were not allowed any carry-ons. Father Yoshke of the Church of Our Sister of Early Sundays said that he, too, made his way to the hold, and was saddened to find that his luggage was on its way to Liechtenstein. (The country, not the guy who davens in your shul.) “Those poor, confused altar boys.”
Mike Schmutter hasn't flown since the Clinton Administration, but he hears good things. He currently has a weekly column in Hamodia Magazine, which is almost as restrictive as The Knish is. You can email Mike at email@example.com.
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