Boro Park Site of First Hocker Depot
BORO PARK, BROOKLYN — [TheKnish.com] In a grand opening Monday, Boro Park became home to the first Hocker Depot, one link in the planned nationwide chain of warehouse-style stores that will supply the nation's estimated 117,000 Hocker-Americans with all of their lifestyle essentials.
"There are 104,000 hockers in Brooklyn alone, but there's never been a retail business that catered to their unique needs," store manager Michel Ganzfried said. "Hocker Depot is a one-stop spot for shtickmacher supplies, beepers designed with a worn-out look, FDNY parking permits and badges from every NYPD precinct. We also sell fuzzbusters, flicky thingies, cherries, blitzers, warmer thingies, Hocker's Magazine Monthly, earpieces for walkie-talkies to achieve the Secret Service look and Dippity-Do hairstyling gel so Gerer Hockers can make the payos-swept-under-the-yarmulka look stylish and sexy. Best of all, we have really nice, big, sturdy Hatzoloh Ambulances, or buses, as they're more affectionately called."
"Speaking of which, we cater to Hatzoloh guys by supplying them with their unique needs as well. Items include lollypops, talons, dash lasers, teardrops, blueberries, wigwags, rotators, intersectionals, deck blasters, slim lighters, V bars and slick sticks."
"Wide selection and low cost are the benefits of a store this size," he added, as he led reporters through the 90,000-square-foot Hocker Depot's neatly organized rows of inventory.
"The light department features more than 40 types of strobes, 30 different color-combination lightbars and a full selection of cherries with exotic colors, including gevaldig green and moiridig mauve," Ganzfried said, gesturing to racks stretching up to the store's two-story ceiling. "We're able to offer hockers their favorite brands at prices up to 15 percent lower than those at alarm-outfitting shops."
"Volume buying allows for low prices on the essentials," he continued. "Whereas the corner alarm shop charges $99 for a purple cherry, we can offer them for half that, and our clerks provide service with a, 'Voos iz arauf?' greeting."
Ganzfried led the group past a Hocker Depot employee conducting an in-store customer clinic titled "How to Use Your Illegal Permit to Park Wherever You Want." As several dozen onlookers watched the employee place the permit into an artificial car window, Ganzfried explained that, in addition to selling materials for tricking out vehicles, the store will also feature weekly how-to demonstrations.
"This week we've got Marlboro Gear, still in the original packaging," Ganzfried said. "Come on in and we'll show you how any ambitious do-it-yourselfer can smooth talk his friends into surrendering their miles."
Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom
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