July 1, 2005 | Issue 22

"Best Kol Isha" New Hit Category at Jewish Grammies

article pic NEW YORK, NEW YORK — [TheKnish.com] 874,000 people crammed into Madison Square Garden last night to honor the best in the Jewish music industry. The official attendance record was approximate, as only 17,854 males aged 20-60 were counted.

Adding to the excitement of the gala were several new categories designed to interest more people and drive up ratings. Chief among them were, "Best Kol Isha" which went to Ms. Frowin Arangang. Arangang sang her hit song before being surprised with the award, as is the minhag with goyish music awards shows. Arangang made sure to be part of a choir so that she may sing without resulting in all male audience members mounting the nearest available woman as a result.

For the 18th consecutive year all categories had only one nominee. Some had none, as there were too many categories once again and only one or one and a half quality albums were produced by the entire industry.

G-d was never thanked during any of the acceptance speeches, as it was paskinned that G-d doesn't care about music. He only cares about the thickness of tights on women. The goyim don't really know this, which is why they continue to thank G-d, and have no tights on their women, thank G-d.

Once again, Joan Rivers was bored to tears, as everyone in the audience wore the same exact thing. For the men, the only difference was the direction of stripes on their ties and how dirty their tzitzis were from dragging on the floor. For the women, burkas haven't changed styles and colors in years.

A boring segment was made quite entertaining when the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants, who tally the votes, were brought on stage. Instead of weilding their briefcases and standing stoic, the host placed his hand under their thighs and made them swear that all the results were true. Some say he actually grabbed their privates, but that's only a medrish.

MBD took home five Jewish grammies, including one for "Most Money Charged Just to Show up at a Jewish Wedding". Kuppy Elbogen won yet again for "Kookiest First Name Not Found in any Historical Hebrew or Jewish Literature". Dudu Fisher won 3 Jewish Grammies, including "Best Solo by Singer with Repeated Syllable in his First Name".

The Lifetime Achievemt Award went to Rav Shlomo Carlebach, mostly for record-breaking pot use, wearing a ponytail and hugging women while still being considered a gadol hador.

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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