March 1, 2005 | Issue 19

Bar Mitzvah Age Raised to 16

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — [] By a vote of 1-0, Rav Yosef Ovadya, who controls absolutely everything on Earth, has decided to raise the age of Bar Mitzvah to sixteen. This is in response to years of pressure from several rights groups including TWOHAIRS (Teens With Obvious Hairlessness and Acne, It Really Sucks).

The reasons for the pressure and the subsequent change are numerous, and were laid out in a press conference by his Shamos, Yeedle Miten Feedle, and released in a public statement.

Chief on the list of reasons for the switch were public embarrassment when Bar Mitzvah boys' puberty began the instant the boy (okay, fine a man now) began his Bar Mitzvah pshetel. This is apparently a genetic predisposition that science, or the heart-wrenching tehillim from 12 year-old boys worldwide, is unable to alter.

Another reason for the change includes self-esteem. It is well documented that despite the fact that humanity is getting taller (and living longer), the opposite is the case for Bar Mitzvah boys, who have been steadily shrinking in size since 1987. In his press conference, Feedle said, "Remember when you were a kid? Remember the CIT's in camp? They were like 13, 14. They were huge freaks of nature. Nowadays, Bar Mitzvah kids are lucky if they're tall enough to get on roller-coaster in most amusement parks."

Another facet of the self-esteem issue is in comparison to other society's declaration of manhood. Most global communities consider a boy's ascent into manhood to occur at age 18. Gentile 18-year olds are ginormous when compared to 13 year old Jewish pipsqueaks. It is also known that eskimos become men when they catch their first whale. While that's occuring, Jewish "men" have just weaned themselves from thumb-sucking.

The Bas Mitzvah age has also been under consideration for being raised by three years to fifteen but it is not expected to change anytime soon. The bling-bling a fifteen year-old Bas Mitzvah girl would expect from her parents would force them into bankruptcy. Also, it would be odd for chasidish girls to get married one year after they were Bas Mitzvah'd.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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