September 29, 2016 | Issue 32

Ask A Hot Chanie – Off Season Edition

WOODBURN, BERGEN COUNTY, MONSEY — [TheKnish.com] Dear Chanie,
My neighbors have recently purchased a woodstove for their den and are always talking about how warm and cozy it is and how much they enjoy it. The problem is that the smell of burning logs is driving me crazy. It’s so strong and is permeating my house, and my car, even my clothes smell like smoke! I can’t get away from it. Is it within my rights to ask them to stop polluting the neighborhood with their stinky smoke every night?

Sammy K. - Woodburn, NY

Dear Sammy -
Speaking of manicures…there is no way I’m going to wreck mine scrubbing pots and pans- so keeping a good reliable cleaning girl serious business. The key is not to let them too comfortable, you know, keep her busy and make her re-do things from time to time just to let her know you notice. Tell her the big screen in the bedroom still looks dusty to you, it probably does! I let mine “accidentally” overhear me talking on the phone about how I might start cleaning the house myself just to keep her on her toes. What? No! As if!! You know I have to save my energy for the more important stuff like shopping, Zumba, and keeping it interesting on mikva night. Yes of COURSE she’s Polish… when she doesn’t understand what I’m telling her I just speak louder… works every time. Anyway, the baby is getting pretty good at translating since they spend so much time together.
~
Dear Chanie,
the morning has become a waking nightmare around my house. My 5th grader complains of a stomachache daily (even though the doctor can’t find anything wrong) and it takes all my energy to force her out of bed. I spend the rest of the morning running around looking for this one’s pencil case and that one’s left shoe. We barely get to the bus stop on time and I’m exhausted and sweating by the time I get to the office. What am I doing wrong?

Wiped Out - Bergen County, New Jersey

Dear Wiped -
Did you read that letter that’s been posted all around telling women to cut their sheitels?
You realize that for a wig like mine that’s what? $1,000 an inch? That doesn’t even cover the haircut and styling at the salon in the city… that is if you can even get an appointment with Henri! You know very well I’m not going to let some old sheitel-lady use her rusty scissors and spray her dollar store Aqua Net on my lux locks. Keep your under-moisturized hands to yourself bubbaleh! Let me give you some styling advice, Hakodeshbarchu knows you could use it! Three words - CUSTOM COLOR ONLY. If you can pick your color from a swatch I feel sorry for you. I can spot a 12/6 a mile away. You want highlights and lowlights and you want it done right. Don’t be cheap, you can make up for it by shopping at Barney’s later. This is an investment in yourself! I know I’m not me until I’ve clipped on my custom and had my third skinny latte, have some self-respect ladies!
~
Dear Hot Chanie –
My mother in law always is always buying things for my kids, a basement full of toys, clothes they don’t need, candy etc… I’m trying to raise them to appreciate what they have, but the first thing out of their mouths when she arrives at the house is “What did you bring us!!!” She loves it, of course, but I think they are turning into greedy little children. How can I get her to stop without her feeling like I’m questioning her values?

Overloaded in Monsey, NY

Dear Overloaded,
Winter is a tough time for all of us! Dry skin, salt staining your black leather boots, and winter coats that hide your figure! It’s tempting to just stay in the house, watch soap operas, and yell at your cleaning girl all day, but if you want to stay a Hot Chanie you need to have discipline. Being a Hot Chanie is about being SEEN and enjoying it. Let me tell you right now that hiding in your house in a robe and snood while shoveling Shabbos leftovers into your face straight out of a foil pan is NOT going to get you noticed, just saying. My point is you need to get out there! Just like athletes train harder with some good competition I’d recommend getting into a crowd where you need to compete to stand out. Who can eat the least at brunch? Who can brave the snow and ice in least sensible designer coat and high-heeled boots? Who can wear the most realistic false eyelashes? Who can work their core the hardest in pilates? With four or five women scrutinizing your every move and sniping behind your back you are sure to up your game!

Writer

Pencil Shifra is the most fabulous TheKnish.com correspondent. Raised in specially-built awesomeness schools, she broke the world record for coolness by age 14. By 18 she had cornered the market on hipness, with hotness rising faster than her numerous suitors' ardor. Her current age is top secret for reasons of national security, understandable given China's well-known government-sponsored fabulousness industry. You can reach her at her undisclosed (but fabulous) location by emailing shifraq@gmail.com.


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