August 1, 2004 | Issue 14

ACLU Holds Conference on Sheitel Head Rights

article pic NEW YORK, NY — [TheKnish.com] Due to recent disturbing trends related to the disenfranchisement of sheitel heads, the ACLU held an emergency conference on Sheitel Head rights.

The major issue discussed was the current epidemic of bald sheitel heads. “On that dark day when thousands of Indian hair sheitels were ripped off their sheitel heads and burned in front of their sheitel head eyes, on that day we knew we could be quiet no more…” began the keynote speech.

When asked why they are spending time on such a stupid issue when the world has bigger problems, a spokesman for the ACLU replied, “Sheitel head owners, or should I say oppressors, are worse than the Al Qaeda freedom fighters. At least their victims started off with a body. A sheitel head has never had that luxury. By the way, I am a spokesperson, not a spokesman.”
The Oppressive Lily White Sheitel Head The Oppressive Lily White Sheitel Head

Other issues discussed at the conference included:

  • The barbaric practice of sticking pins into sheitel heads. The ACLU recommends Velcro as the adhesive of choice for sheitel heads. If Velcro is unavailable, that sticky mushy stuff was recommended as an alternative.

  • The right of sheitel heads to express their individuality. This includes the right to wear makeup, jewelry and tattoos. Unprofessional makeup jobs done by children are not allowed.

  • The inhumane and “illegal” practice of imprisoning sheitel heads in solitary dark boxes for months at a time.

  • An end to the racial inequality of sheitel heads. 99% of all sheitel heads are white. At the conference an aggressive affirmative action/quota system was introduced to ensure fair representation of all sheitel head races and colors. In addition, one eyed sheitel heads, cleft palate sheitel heads, and
    sheitel heads with acne should be used to represent the special needs communities. Half of all sheitel heads should be male.
Leah Rochel, a sheitelmacher who was protesting outside the conference, called these demands ridiculous. However, she did say that if necessary they might be amenable to multicultural sheitel heads. “Of course, it goes without saying that Indian sheitel heads would be excluded.”

Writer

Pencil David Friedman does not oppress sheitel heads. As a matter of fact his best friend is a sheitel head. Really.


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